Warning: the following contains spoilers for Sunday Yellowstone. If you prefer to look first, read later, dizzy … and from afar.
All together now, Yellowstone fans: Oh, Jamie. On what could only be what, on her second day of work as a cattle commissioner, the resident of the series Meg Griffin so completely and completely sloppy that he ended up causing a double murder. “How? ‘Or’ What?” you ask. “How on earth?” Read on, and I’ll do my best to explain without shaking my brain about shaking my head so hard.
“ALL WE DO IS FISH AND EAT AND FISH AND EAT” | As “Freight Trains and Monsters” began, Tate woke up to summer camp from his first good night’s sleep since his kidnapping, and a hangover Beth got out of Rip’s bed to delight – absolutely delight – to prepare her breakfast. (And the way he relaxed her, so she wouldn’t feel embarrassed to eat in front of him … that it was an intimacy like any love scene you’ll see this year.) Meanwhile, Jamie arrived for work at the Livestock Commission ready and eager to spoil the opportunity in an epic way. And in about three … no, two … no, at once, he did exactly that. When local law called a pair of horse donkeys that had beaten a female coupla rider to fly her blind, Jamie jumped at the chance to make influential friends by manipulating her (cough, cough) ” proper way”. Send Agent Hendon, Jamie told secretary Helen. And things got worse from there.
After going to summer camp to check on Tate, Monica found Kayce tracking down the wolf. But hardly had she given something better to him, um, point his gun than who should appear but the wolf in question! What are we doing? asked Monica, still as sensitive. “If he wants to watch,” said her husband, “let him watch.” And apparently the voyeur on all fours only wanted the eyeball of their date, the dirty dog. Back at the camp, Rip offered John the most virile thanks – and not for the house, either, for Patriarch Dutton’s sincere letter. “No one has ever given me anything like this before,” said Rip. After a few gossip – sorry, I mean, manly speech – about how soon they would run out of hands, Rip hinted that he might hire another cowgirl. The last, having been a vagrant, had drifted. But she hadn’t been the wreck of the dorm train John imagined. However, “if you hire another girl,” said John, “she must be mean or ugly, one of the two!”
‘IT’S LIKE LUCILLE BALL AND FABIO HAD A CHILD’ | That night, while Kayce and Monica marveled at how Tate slept at summer camp, she remarked that she wished they could live like this all the time. Okay, replied Kayce. He would do it. But it would not be easy. And she should give up a lot. Duh, said Monica. “Baby, nothing is easy with you … and I gave up everything I could.” Kayce later felt that the wolf was close and negotiated an agreement with the animal to leave the forest for him if he left the valley and the cattle. Rather than saying, “Who the hell do you think you are, Dr. Dolittle?” John, because Kayce is the golden child, gave him a gold star and mentioned that his own father was also fluent on all fours. Poor Jamie.
At Schwartz & Meyer, Beth and Bob deduced that Market Equities was going to build an airport… and a ski resort… and an entire city around it. Who is the BSD there? she asked. She was going to cut it to her waist. Roarke Morris, huh? “It’s not an af-king first name,” she whispered. And then she saw, of course, who Roarke was. Ugh. His worst nightmare, “and I have to go deal with him!” At Cross Creek, when he wasn’t flirting with Beth to find out if “Somebody’s Baby” was Billy Joel or Jackson Browne, Roarke was candid about Market Equities’ plans. And why not? If she did not live there, what would she do with the land? Turn it into Park City, she admitted. Hey, watch out for flowers when you walk away, he pointed out. So, naturally, Beth left traces of three-inch-deep tires in her garden. “I love this girl,” he mocked. How could he not?
“SHE CAN WRINK THE HAIR OF A HORSE” | Back at the ranch, Rip held the equivalent of a job fair at which he was particularly impressed by a young woman whose name, he learned by the hardest part, because of his accent, was Teeter (Animal Kingdom alum Jennifer Landon). At the rodeo, local law told Constable Hendon that unaccounted for thieves should be given a lesson – and he knew exactly the lesson. (Oh, Lord.) So he loaded the culprits into the victim’s rigging, chased them away, then chased the shit out of it by slamming on the brakes and accelerating again and again (and again and again). By the time Hendon returned to the rodeo – oh, Jamie – the guys were as dead as Sarah Nguyen.
Back in Yellowstone, Rip was freezing on his porch when he thought he heard a wolf howling. No, it was only Beth, drunk in the corral and marveling at how fantastically they were alone at home. In fact, they could do whatever they wanted. What she wanted was not, as she suspected, “fk in the dirt”, at least not right away, but to dance slowly with her. (You’re walking away from her, Roarke Morris, you hear me!) At summer camp, Tate’s fondness for extra cookies made John tell a campfire story about how they had been Kayce’s favorites too. However, his mother hated making them. When John said, you know, you don’t have to bake the boy, he’ll eat anything, she said, “But if I don’t make them, I can’t watch him eat them.” “With that, she went to bed. Since John left early to mark the cattle the next day – his birthday – which turned out to be the last thing she ever said to him,” he remembered regretfully. Alone with his son, John admitted he was wondering what the point was if you could love someone and lose him. What, he was wondering what the plan was? “Are you standing on that,” said Kayce .
And, in the closing seconds of “Freight Trains and Monsters,” Jamie received a collect call from Sweetgrass Valley prison. Specifically, he received a collect call from Constable Hendon at Sweetgrass Valley Prison. “Is everything alright?” asked Jamie, even knowing by asking the question that obviously everything had to be as far from OK as possible (and still destined to become so! Very much! Worse!). So what did you think of the episode? Do you imagine Beth would ever cheat Rip with Roarke? And is there a limit to how much this show can make us love Beth and Rip together (because if there is, I can’t see it!)?